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The “Dark Humor” Thread

rootabaga

Android Expert
Aug 11, 2014
2,993
8,241
Crazyville, CA
I occasionally find some humorous value in dark humor, and doubtless there are a few others here as well.

Since it can be divisive, though (not to mention sickening or worse to some) I don’t want to just drop such humor into the “regular” threads, even using a spoiler mask, so I figured we could use a thread just to collect/share it. That way those offended by it can simply not open the thread.

That said, I would suggest we still be sensible and mask those items that might really go too far.

Enjoy...I’ll get us started in the next post.
 
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Rob asked his brother John to watch his pet cat while he was on vacation. On the second day of his vacation he called his brother to ask about the cat.

"John, how's the cat?"

"Rob, your cat's dead. He was run over by a car."

"What the %^&$ John! Couldn't you break the news to me a little easier?"

"How would I do that?"

"You could have said 'the cat's on the roof and won't come down'. And, when I called back later you could have said the fire department is trying to rescue him. Finally when I called to see if they were successful you could have told me the truth. At least then I would have had some time to prepare for the bad news. Now I better give mom a call."

Rob? ... um ... Mom's on the roof and won't come down."
 
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disney.jpg
 
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Slightly NSFW -

A man took his beautiful wife to play her first game of golf. The wife, reluctant to try but wanting to spend more time with her husband, promptly sliced her first shot. It went right through the window of the biggest homes along the course.

The husband cringed. "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go over there, find the owner, apologize and see how much that wonderful drive of yours is going to cost us!"

The couple, in silence, walked to the house and knocked on the front door.

A warm voice said, "come on in."

When they opened the door, they observed the damage that was done: glass was all over the place; and a broken bottle, evidently very old, was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "are you the people who broke that window?"

“Uh, yes sir,” the husband replied, “and we're terribly sorry about that…"

“Oh, no apology is necessary!” the man said. “In fact, I want to thank you. You see, I'm actually a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for over a thousand years.”

“Now that you've released me,” he continued, “I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give each of you one wish: but if you don't object, I'd like to reserve the last wish for myself."

“Wow, that's amazing!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

“No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. Additionally, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And you, young lady, what do you want?"

The wife, flattered at being called a young lady, replied, “I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world… complete with service staff."

“Consider it done," the genie said. "Soon, the deeds will begin to arrive at your home, free and clear of all mortgages. And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters."

Completely flustered by the good fortune of an unfortunate golf swing, the couple asked, “and now, what's your wish, Genie?"

The genie looked at the couple solemnly, and then turned to the man.

“Please understand that I've been trapped in that bottle, all alone, for more than a thousand years. I haven't been with a woman in all those centuries. My wish, should you see fit to grant it, Sir, is to have sex with your wife."

Initially shocked by the proposal, the couple looked at one another. The husband looked at his wife and said, "gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses and staff… and it’s because of him! What do you think?"

She looked at the genie, who wasn’t unattractive at all; and back at her husband. She mulled it over for a moment more and replied, "you know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind… but what about you, Baby? Will you be okay with it?"

“You know I love you, Sweetheart," the husband said. “I'd do the same for you!"

The genie thanked them and assured the couple that, because of their generous granting of his wish, the house would be cleaned and repaired at no cost to them.

The husband sat and waited nervously while the genie went upstairs with his wife. There, they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other immensely.

The genie was insatiable. The woman, shocked by his stamina and skill, was breathless… and was surprised that she never wanted it to end.

After about four hours of non-stop sex, however, they snuggled warmly into each other’s arms. The genie looked directly into her eyes, smiled and asked, "I’m curious to know… what ages are you and your husband?”

“We're actually both 35," she replied, still trying to regain her composure.

“No kidding?" he responded. "Thirty-five years old… and you both still believe in genies?"

:)
 
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