Tell me a joke...

[BrickHouse]

A guy walks up to the bar, orders his beer, and then says to the bartender " I will bet you $300 that I can stand at one end of your bar while you place a shot glass on the other end and I will be able to piss in it without spilling a drop". Now the bartender figures the guy is nuts and thinks this will be an easy bet so he sets up the shot glass and says "Go ahead and give it your best". The guy slams down the rest of his beer, gives a mighty belch, unzips his pants, and proceeds to piss all over the bar. The bartender laughs loudly and, with a big grin, holds out his hand "You owe me $300, fella!". While the guy is paying him the bartender sees a customer at a corner booth banging his head against the table. "What is the matter with that guy, do ya think?" the bartender says. "Him?" says the guy. Oh, I bet him $1000 I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh about it!"

Readers digest version of an oldie. Still just as good

 

[Hadron]

And Englishman and an Irishman are walking down the street. The Englishman slips into a baker's shop and emerges with 3 buns in his pockets. "I slipped these off the shelf and into my pockets without anyone noticing", he says. "That took craft and guile."
"That's just common thievery", the Irishman says. "Come with me and I'll show you how to get free buns legally."
So the Irishman goes into the bakery, followed by the Englishman. He goes up to the baker and says "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
"Sure" says the baker. "OK", the Irishman says, "give me a bun."
The baker gives the Irishman a bun, which he eats. Then he asks for a second one and eats it. Then he asks for a third one and eats that too.
"OK" says the baker, "so where's the trick?".
The Irishman points to the Englishman and says "Look in his pockets..."

 

[The_Chief]

A guy was driving around the back woods of the Missouri Ozarks and saw a sign in front of a broken-down house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rang the bell and the owner appeared. The owner told the man the dog was in the backyard and led him around the house. They went into the backyard and the guy saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"Do you talk?' he asked the dog.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

The guy reeled from the shock of hearing a dog talk, then asked: "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. The CIA soon acquired me and, in no time at all,
they had me flying around from country to country, just sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would suspect a dog would be listening to every word. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years... but the constant travel and jet lag really started tiring me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so they retired me and I decided to settle down. I helped at the airport, doing some part-time undercover security... sitting near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible smuggling deals and was awarded a bunch of medals. But I found a nice lady, had a litter of puppies or two, and now I'm just happily retired."

The guy was astonished! He walked back around the house with the owner and asked what he wanted for such an incredible dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars??? That's it? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner looked at him. "Because the dog's a dirty liar. He never did any of that crap."