Tell me a joke...

[BrickHouse]

A guy walks up to the bar, orders his beer, and then says to the bartender " I will bet you $300 that I can stand at one end of your bar while you place a shot glass on the other end and I will be able to piss in it without spilling a drop". Now the bartender figures the guy is nuts and thinks this will be an easy bet so he sets up the shot glass and says "Go ahead and give it your best". The guy slams down the rest of his beer, gives a mighty belch, unzips his pants, and proceeds to piss all over the bar. The bartender laughs loudly and, with a big grin, holds out his hand "You owe me $300, fella!". While the guy is paying him the bartender sees a customer at a corner booth banging his head against the table. "What is the matter with that guy, do ya think?" the bartender says. "Him?" says the guy. Oh, I bet him $1000 I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh about it!"

Readers digest version of an oldie. Still just as good

 

[Hadron]

And Englishman and an Irishman are walking down the street. The Englishman slips into a baker's shop and emerges with 3 buns in his pockets. "I slipped these off the shelf and into my pockets without anyone noticing", he says. "That took craft and guile."
"That's just common thievery", the Irishman says. "Come with me and I'll show you how to get free buns legally."
So the Irishman goes into the bakery, followed by the Englishman. He goes up to the baker and says "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
"Sure" says the baker. "OK", the Irishman says, "give me a bun."
The baker gives the Irishman a bun, which he eats. Then he asks for a second one and eats it. Then he asks for a third one and eats that too.
"OK" says the baker, "so where's the trick?".
The Irishman points to the Englishman and says "Look in his pockets..."

 

[The_Chief]

A guy was driving around the back woods of the Missouri Ozarks and saw a sign in front of a broken-down house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rang the bell and the owner appeared. The owner told the man the dog was in the backyard and led him around the house. They went into the backyard and the guy saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"Do you talk?' he asked the dog.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

The guy reeled from the shock of hearing a dog talk, then asked: "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. The CIA soon acquired me and, in no time at all,
they had me flying around from country to country, just sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would suspect a dog would be listening to every word. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years... but the constant travel and jet lag really started tiring me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so they retired me and I decided to settle down. I helped at the airport, doing some part-time undercover security... sitting near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible smuggling deals and was awarded a bunch of medals. But I found a nice lady, had a litter of puppies or two, and now I'm just happily retired."

The guy was astonished! He walked back around the house with the owner and asked what he wanted for such an incredible dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars??? That's it? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner looked at him. "Because the dog's a dirty liar. He never did any of that crap."

 

[The_Chief]

A Customer’s Letter to Tide:

"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another... and somehow, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative - then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, I gotta go now. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!"

 

[The_Chief]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[The_Chief]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?!" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a $20.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[BrickHouse]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?!" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a $20.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


View attachment 173770

Different punch line, same story. First heard this one when I was knee high to a grasshopper.

 

[AugieTN]

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

 

[AugieTN]

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?A: She can't find the eleven.

 

[AugieTN]

Why was the Blonde starring at the can of frozen orange juice> It said concentrate

 

[olbriar]

As I knelt down with a pair of size four shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt,
I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work
here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly.
"I don't even work here"

 

[Dannydet]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?!" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a $20.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


View attachment 173770

That's awesome!