Tell me a joke...

[Zigman66]

A lawyer dies and is sent to heaven. (That, in itself, is a
good joke.)

Upon his arrival, he meets St. Peter at the Gate. St. Peter asks the
lawyer his name and looks up his entry in the Great Big Book.

St. Peter then looks at the lawyer and says, "You look very good for
being 438 years old."

Astonished, the lawyer replies, "There must be some mistake, I am
only 62."

St. Peter responds, "Not according to your billable hours."

 

[Zigman66]

Last one for the day. Next years newest tax form:

YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM

1. Enter your social security number:
___-__-____
2. How much money did you make last year?
___________
3. Send it in.
4. How much money do you have in savings?
5. Send that in, too.
6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ]

 

[shalemail]

One fine morning in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot those two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind men in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this tale is true,
Ask the blind man – he saw it too!)

 

[Zigman66]

Spoiler: slightly naughty

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[dontpanicbobby]

A Spanish priest, a French priest, and an Austrian priest walk into a bar...
Germany suffers.

 

[Zigman66]

My wife was making a visit to the hospital where I was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, she asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed my wife. "He don't know nothing now."

 

[Zigman66]

A nervous @dontpanicbobby was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Bobby, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Wonderful," returned Mr. Bobby, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"

 

[Member2035261]

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died...

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" The man responds, "I'll go tell him."

 

[lunatic59]

A silver-haired gentleman walks into a bar. He goes up to a lovely young woman sitting alone and, looking hopefully into her eyes, says, "Tell me, do I come here often?"

 

[Napalm]

So one Tuesday, this guy walks in a saloon in downtown Houston, and orders 3 irish whiskies neat.

Bartender pours one and hands it to him and the guy says: Ah I should explain see, I need all tree at once. See I've just moved here from Ireland, and back home me and me two brothers would drink after work on tuesdays. So I'd like to have them lined up at once like it would back home so as to keep in the spirit of things. I promise I'll drink all tree meself.

Bartender ponders for a moment - "see the law says I can only serve one drink to one patron at a time"

Mike, well ifn that's what you gotta do but it would mean a lot to me.

Bartender ponders again, smurf it all who's gonna bother him. so pours the other 2 and sits them there.

Mike comes in every tuesday religiously for 2 years. everyone knows him, etc. Then one Tuesday he's not there, nor the next.

Finally Mike comes back walks up and the bartender already has the 3 poured. Mike: Na sam I only need 2 from now on.

Everyone in the place stops and looks at Mike. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, etc etc as you'd expect from good people concerned for their friend.

Mike: "what the smurf a yall on about, me brothers are fine. I got married 2 weeks ago and me new wife says I should stop drinkin!

 

[olbriar]

On a deserted isle in the S. Pacific.....
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.

----------------------------- ------------------------------ ----------
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a' trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

 

[Member2035261]

LOL on all counts

.... but especially this for me

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

 

[Member2035261]

'Bad huh, Doctor, so tell me, how long have I got?'

'10..'

'10 months? ! - '

'9, 8, 7, 6, 5,'

 

[Member2035261]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" (read elected politician) is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
Today, you voted."

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Don't give up your day jobs guys. Might make an awesome podcast though. Who's with me?!!! How hard could a podcast be???

 

[Member2035261]

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'

 

[olbriar]

Dear Diary ...

How men and women record things in their diaries......

------ Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn't say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

 

[olbriar]

Million Dollar Picture
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"

 

[olbriar]

A warning to my friends at AF
I did not know this….

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is very bad for you.

Please warn all of your friends.

 

[olbriar]

An old, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000,” he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said, “Sir, there's no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”

 

[Member2035261]

The sadist and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
they are immediately drawn to each other and decide to go to a nearby rather expensive motel.
they undress and re-dress in clothes of their preference
the masochist says in a luxuriating slow purrr...
"Are ....you.. going to whip.. me...?
To which the sadist smiles cruelly and says,
"....Noooo."

 

[Member2035261]

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Why did the Phandroidian cross to the other side?

 

[Daniel Fernandes]

Because it wanted to...

 

[olbriar]