Tell me a joke...

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'I knew you'd forget my toast!

 

[olbriar]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'That's it,' replied the man! He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[olbriar]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[no one]

I ate too many chick peas.


Now I falafel.

 

[olbriar]

Two jokes that are somewhat related:

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[olbriar]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people! Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little .... on your lap!"

 

[Milo Williamson]

A chicken and a monkey walked on the same road, who got hit?

No one, because the chicken new how to fly, and the monkey flun its poo onto the traffic

 

[olbriar]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying, “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say ‘good-bye Grandpa?'”
The little girl said, “I don’t know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy cra*p!” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!

 

[olbriar]

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[olbriar]

 

[olbriar]

 

[Milo Williamson]

Shhhhhh don't tell my girlfriend hahahaa....

 

[treb1797]

Missouri Men's Basketball has an assistant coach named Dickie Nutt. Unbelievable

 

[olbriar]

Funny names could be a thread all their own. When I was attending college there was a car lot in that town named Dick Handy's Used Cars.

 

[treb1797]

Funny names could be a thread all their own.

I was thinking the same thing. Feel free to start a thread here if you want.

 

[olbriar]

Na.. they fit here just fine. I've seen plenty names that left me thinking "just what were the parents thinking?" I have seen many examples but most aren't really AF family friendly to share.
On a more innocent side... from my childhood and made up like the Books: Under The Bleachers by Seymore Butts and Dash To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit, edited by Betty Dont

 

[Unforgiven]

I once encountered someone that had triplets. They named them Miracle, Destiny, and Reality. Three guesses which one is in counseling.

 

[Milo Williamson]

I once fall down the stairs into a giant pool, fortunate for me the stairs were made of of jello. So a bounce, stick, bounce, and splash!

 

[treb1797]

If I wanted a joke I'd follow you into the john

 

[treb1797]

Larry on TikTok

Trips to the grocery store hurt these days!!! #fyp #inflationisreal #lordhavemercy #publixchronicles #hilarious #notsojuicy #relatable

www.tiktok.com

 

[Davdi]

Years ago I worked with a guy called Warren Peace, and there was a local vicar called Reverend Pagan.

 

[olbriar]

I knew a gal in high school named Wendy Summers.

 

[Milo Williamson]

Three blind men walked into the light.
Suddenly they could see the sea.

 

[olbriar]