Tell me a joke...

[lunatic59]

I don't know whether to groan for the joke or the whale.

 

[Zigman66]

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsin which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn’t know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles.”

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Why did a chicken cross the road?

 

[Daniel Fernandes]

Because it wanted to?

 

[dontpanicbobby]

I liked that!

Cause it heard it through the grapevine.

 

[olbriar]

Jock and Maggie
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie, put your hat and coat on, lassie."

She replied, "Awe, Jock that's nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?"

"Nay," Jock replied,

"I'm turning the heat off while I'm out."

 

[Member2035261]

^^ LOL ^^

 

[lunatic59]

A priest and a rabbi have played golf together every Wednesday for many years. One Wednesday the priest does not show up on time. The rabbi waits for an hour and finally the priest arrives without his golf clubs.

"Don't you want to play today?" asks the rabbi.

"I do, but I'm afraid someone has stolen my golf clubs." replied the priest.

"That's terrible. Do you have any idea who could have taken them?"

"I fear that it might be someone in my parish."

The rabbi rubbed his chin for a moment and then spoke. "I have an idea. In your next sermon, find a reason to state the ten commandments. When you get to 'thou shalt not steal' look out into the congregation and the person who can't look you in the eye is your thief."

Sure enough, the following Wednesday the priest arrives on time with his golf clubs.

"I see my idea worked" bragged the rabbi.

"Well, yes, and no" stated the priest. "When I said 'thou shalt not steal' everyone looked back at me, but when i came to 'though shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where i had left them."

 

[dontpanicbobby]

Too Catholic...
Funny as heck though.

 

[lunatic59]

Too Catholic...
Funny as heck though.

 

[Zigman66]

A study was commissioned regarding traffic accidents all over the U.S. since modern cars now have their own little "black box". Since most of the data recorded was often obvious stuff by looking at what happened in the accident the researchers decided that it might be more enlightening to find out what the last words were being said in the seconds before the accident. In 49 states the most common thing said before the accident was "Oh Sh*t!' However, in Wisconsin the most common thing heard before the accident was "Here, hold my beer and watch this sh*t!"

 

[Member2035261]

A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Father O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

 

[Member2035261]

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

'Lord,' he prayed. 'I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.'

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: 'Never mind, I found one!'

 

[Member2035261]

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: 'Are you on foot or in the car?'

Billy replies: 'In the car.'

'Well, that's the quickest way,' says Paddy.

 

[Member2035261]

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick:
'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.'

 

[Member2035261]

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: 'Did you see the paper? They say I died!'

The friend replies: 'Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?'

 

[Member2035261]

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: 'Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?'

The Irishman replies: 'No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.'

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: 'Did something happen one of your brothers?' 'Oh no,' replies the Irishman. 'I just decided to quit drinking!'

 

[Member2035261]

An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.

"I'd like a return ticket." he says.

"Where to?"

"To HERE!" - says the Irishman.

 

[Member2035261]

A young Irish boy said to his grandfather:

"Make a frog noise for me, Grandad"

"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now."

"Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise!"

"No, I don't want to."

"Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise."

"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"

"Mum says when you croak we can have this house."

 

[Member2035261]

.... and one from memory that I will have to write all by myself (and no you haven't heard it before! - as told by me anyways :

Another Irish priest was on a Boeing 747 on his first long haul flight to the States.

1 hour and 40 minutes aloft there was a short bang. A minute later the Captain came on the PA /Tannoy and said there had been a malfunction with one engine but not to worry, although flying time will be extended by an hour.

90 minutes later another bang, whereupon the Captain again reassured passengers that the aircraft is more than capable of making the East Coast but it will now be 3 hours late.

The priest sought comfort from the next seat. 'Don't worry, I happen to be an aircraft engineer and this 747 can fly just as well with a good crew in charge', said Jack.

Alas a third engine blew. The Captain said it may be contaminated fuel in one tank, 'but don't worry we'll reduce altitude and make land in 6 hours'.

A highly stressed Father O'Malley turned to Jack and said ''don't care how well built this plane is.... if that fourth engine goes we'll be up here all night'.

 

[Daniel Fernandes]

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
- "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

 

[dontpanicbobby]

OT: Non-site emojis and <tags> aren't working on my LG G6.
@tonymddn's last posts have no emojis on my phone.

 

[Member2035261]

OT: Non-site emojis and &lt;tags&gt; aren't working on my LG G6.
@tonymddn's last posts have no emojis on my phone.

I tried to delete many of my stolen Irish jokes as they appeared crazy when viewing on the website but posted and appeared fine on the app. There were almost no emoji that I can think of, but it looks that way.

The issue I think was I flagrantly 'copied' them from a website and then Pasted them in to the app, but only saw them on the full site later. (hands up - though I am originally Irish and couldn't remember any myself)

 

[dontpanicbobby]

OT: @tonymddn I'm a Chrome kinda guy. Might try the app someday. Not for Emojis though.

 

[Zigman66]

A disreputable type guy breaks into a home that he knows the owner isn't home. He just gets inside when he hears "Jesus is watching you". The guy is freaking out a bit because he was sure no one was home. After not hearing anything for a minute or 2 he decides to commence with his rummaging for things to steal. Again he hears "Jesus is watching you". Now he is becoming a bit un-nerved so he waits a few minutes and hears nothing so begins to search for more loot. Just before he makes it to the living room he hears, again, "Jesus is watching you". But this time he can tell the sound is coming from the living room. He peeks in to see if he can figure out who is saying that. All he sees is a parrot on a perch. He asks the parrot if that was him talking. The parrot says "Yes". The guy asks "Is your name Jesus?" "No, my name is Moses", replies the parrot. Now that the guy is no longer worried about a human finding him in the house he relaxes, chuckles a bit, and asks the parrot "What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?" The parrot responds with "The same kind of idiot that names his rottweiler Jesus".